What the Heart Remembers Most Read online

“Jesus.” Jax fought against a wave of nausea.

  They stepped off the elevator together, and Dr. Melendez directed Jax to a wing of private rooms. She put her arm out, letting Jax enter the room first.

  Jax looked at the room number: 815. She let out a sad laugh at the irony. Their wedding anniversary was August fifteenth. “How long before she’s settled?”

  “About an hour. I’d recommend taking that time to get anything you need to get settled because once she’s back in this room, all we can do is wait.”

  “Dr. Melendez,” she said earnestly, stopping the doctor from leaving. She tried to read her face but couldn’t. “What’s her prognosis?”

  “It’s hard to say.”

  “Just give me an idea. No promises. I understand that.”

  Dr. Melendez stared at the paperwork in her hands for a moment before dropping her hands to her sides and looking at Jax with sympathetic eyes. “I can’t know anything without the results of her head CT, but I’ve seen injuries like this before, and the human body is capable of a lot of things. However, if I were you, I’d call her family and ask for all the prayers you can get.”

  Jax fell into one of three chairs in the room, unable to form words. She nodded to Dr. Melendez, who left her alone. The sounds of chatter from the hallway faded, a singular feeling of fear engulfing Jax. She stared straight ahead at the empty hospital bed. The sheets were a crisp, pristine white. She needed to call Amanda, but she couldn’t move.

  She barely blinked as a series of memories shuffled through her mind, the final one being the day she left with two suitcases and a duffel bag. Gretchen’s eyes were red from crying, and Caleb sat in the living room playing on his mother’s phone. Seventeen years together weren’t supposed to end like that.

  She pulled her phone from her pocket and dialed Amanda’s number, listening to it ring. Amanda picked up and asked what the doctors said.

  Jax couldn’t look away from the bed. She was scared of seeing Gretchen, battered and bruised and unconscious.

  “Jax?”

  Jax’s chin started to quiver. She bit her lip and clenched her jaw against the swell of hysterics and tears. She cleared her throat and tried her best to regain her composure. “You’re going to want to come here. As soon as possible. And bring Caleb.”

  She ended the phone call before Amanda could ask any questions. A sob escaped her, and the steady walls of strength she had put in place over the years fell away one by one. Jax dropped her phone to the ground and cried into her hands.

  Seventeen years together weren’t supposed to end like this.

  Chapter Two

  13 hours, 23 minutes, 42 seconds

  “After relieving the pressure in her skull, her vitals stabilized. We’re keeping her in a medically induced coma for now,” a resident said. Jax didn’t get his name during introductions because she was busy keeping an eye on her antsy son. “This will give her brain time to heal without the worry of added injury.”

  Amanda crossed her arms. “I thought the idea was to get her to wake up.”

  Jax held Caleb by his shoulders to keep him from going to play in the bathroom. Again. “I’m with Amanda. How will we know if Gretchen will wake up if we don’t let her?”

  The young doctor looked nervous. “This is the best chance we have of getting the swelling down. This actually increases her chances of waking up.”

  Jax was skeptical to say the least. “I guess we just have to trust you.”

  “Trust Dr. Melendez. She’s the best.”

  “Then why haven’t we seen her all day?” Amanda said firmly.

  “Thank you, Doctor,” Jax said. She wanted to laugh as he practically ran from the room, but she couldn’t find much humor with the hiss of Gretchen’s ventilator in the background.

  Caleb slapped Jax’s hand. “Is Mommy better?”

  Jax looked at Amanda before she dared to meet Caleb’s large, curious eyes. He resembled Gretchen so much it was scary. “Not yet, Cricket.”

  “What did your boss say when you called him this morning?” Amanda said.

  “He didn’t really care. He told me to take whatever time I needed as long as I didn’t slack on my accounts.” She pulled a coloring book out of the bag Amanda was smart enough to pack and opened it to a blank picture. “I kind of want him to fire me. I’d be able to collect unemployment until I find a job I don’t hate. Like these,” she said, holding up the coloring book. She smiled at Caleb. “Would you like it if Bug made coloring books?”

  Caleb’s eyes lit up, and he nodded enthusiastically.

  Amanda sat in the chair right next to Gretchen’s bed. She held her hand delicately. “You can’t go from graphic designer to coloring book designer.”

  “Bug can do anything,” Caleb said as he climbed on Jax.

  She smiled at Caleb. If it wasn’t for him, she’d be a complete wreck by now. Any strength Jax had was coming from the squirming boy on her lap. “Yeah, Aunt Amanda, I can do anything.”

  Amanda opened her mouth, but a knock at the door stopped the conversation. She placed Gretchen’s hand back on the bed and opened the door. It was Jax’s best friend, Wyatt, holding a comically large bouquet of flowers. He looked completely harried and greeted Amanda with a worried smile.

  “I’m so sorry I couldn’t get here sooner.” He handed the flowers to Amanda and rushed over to Jax. “Hey, buddy,” he said to Caleb. Wyatt extended his hand and went through a lengthy series of high fives with Caleb.

  Jax set Caleb down and stood up to greet Wyatt. Facing Amanda was tough, but looking at Wyatt? Jax felt her defenses start to crumble. She wrapped her arms around him and didn’t let go until she had to. Jax took a deep breath to push down her rising tears and stepped back.

  “Thank you so much for coming.”

  “Carly wanted to come, but she’s having a tough third trimester. Swelling, pain, poor balance—the whole nine yards.” Wyatt scratched his beard and approached the hospital bed. He removed the knit beanie from his buzzed head and held it to his flannel-clad chest. When he turned back to Jax, his eyes were misty. “What the hell happened?”

  Jax looked at Caleb, who had started coloring again. “Amanda, would you mind if we ran downstairs for coffee? I’ll be gone for no more than twenty minutes.”

  Amanda waved her off. “Do a few laps. I’ll go for a walk once you’re back.”

  “Text me if anything changes. Hey, bud?” Jax waited for Caleb to look at her. “Are you hungry? Do you want a cookie and some milk?”

  “Yes!”

  “It’s not even ten in the morning.”

  She shot Amanda a look. “Be good for your aunt, and I’ll bring you one.”

  She walked next to Wyatt through the hospital. They stood together in the elevator and Jax stared at the digital display, not knowing where to start. “Icy steps.”

  “What?”

  “Icy steps,” she said again, looking at him this time. “From what they can tell, she slipped on some ice and fell down the stairs at her office.” The doors opened, and they stepped out into the bustling main floor of the hospital. Jax followed the signs to the café, not yet sure of the hospital’s layout. She paused at the café’s doorway. The line for coffee was twenty deep.

  Wyatt put his hand on her shoulder. “That’s fucking crazy. Just another reason to hate winter. I can’t wait to move to Florida.”

  “You’re not going anywhere!” Jax started to panic. “You have to stay here and help me because—”

  “Stop,” Wyatt said, placing his other hand on Jax’s shoulder. “I know where your mind is heading right now, and you need to stop.” He shook Jax until she looked up. “You know I’m not going anywhere, and you know I say weird shit when I’m nervous.”

  Jax took a deep breath. “I know.”

  Wyatt ruffled her hair. “Let’s get some coffee, and we’ll talk this through.”

  They fought the line of patrons and snagged two cups of fresh coffee before the carafe ran out. Jax sat on a small ledge by the hospital’s large windows instead of at one of the small café tables. She needed to look out at the sunny day, even if every tree on the property looked dead.

  “They can’t tell you anything else?”

  Jax stirred her coffee and watched the tiny whirlpool and spinning bubbles. “No. I expected…I don’t know what I expected. It’s been less than twelve hours—you’d think they’d still be doing something.”

  “I guess not doing something is technically doing something.”

  Jax placed the lid back on her coffee and took a sip. She didn’t want coffee. She didn’t want anything. She wanted Gretchen to wake up. “They did at least a hundred scans and emergency surgery to relieve the pressure by drilling into her skull.” Wyatt puffed out his cheeks and blew. Jax could tell she was making him queasy. “And then I’m sitting there bickering with Amanda like nothing’s wrong. Like her sister isn’t lying lifeless…”

  “Hey, everyone copes differently. You do what you have to do to keep your head on straight.”

  “To keep myself from thinking about being a single mother.”

  “That’s not going to happen.”

  “I appreciate your positivity, but did you see Gretchen? A machine is breathing for her. She’s black and blue and has a hole in her skull.”

  “She’s a fighter.”

  Jax looked at Wyatt. Her heart tried hard to be hopeful, but her brain whirred with statistics and worst-case scenarios. “I don’t know if this is a fight she can win.”

  Wyatt nodded sullenly. He looked out the window and squinted at the bright light that illuminated his brown eyes. “Remember when we were sophomores and Gretchen broke her left hand? She had so many finals and projects lined up, and her dominant hand was out of commission. She had to teach herself how to function all over again.”

  Jax started to smile. “Our sex life got wild.”

  Wyatt held up his hand. “I’ll take your word for it.”

  “Oh yeah.” Jax wiggled her eyebrows for good measure.

  “The point I’m trying to make is Gretchen knows how to adapt and tackle challenges. She knows how to fight and win. She aced every single final with zero help.”

  Jax scrunched her face up. “I helped.” Her shoulders fell when Wyatt looked at her incredulously. “Well, I refilled the paper in the printer a million times.”

  “I know things haven’t been great.”

  “Filing for divorce is a little beyond not great. Just yesterday morning we fought over whether Caleb should bring carrots or apples to preschool. I accused her of not caring about him the way she cares about her clients. Over snacks!” Shame overwhelmed and choked her. “That was the last thing I said to her.”

  “It’ll be okay.”

  “I shouldn’t even be here. We’re barely in each other’s lives, and we wouldn’t be at all if it wasn’t for Caleb.”

  “You’re here because she’s still the woman you’ve loved since your freshman year of college. It’s been, what? Sixteen years?”

  “Seventeen.” Jax looked at the shiny floor in thought. “Fourteen were happy, but the last three have felt like walking through the darkest valleys of hell.”

  Wyatt chuckled. “It couldn’t have been all that bad.”

  “It was.”

  Wyatt looked at her like he was seeing her for the first time. “How did I not know?”

  “I didn’t want to burden you. You and Carly are in such a good place. I didn’t want to scare you away from the altar with my marriage woes.”

  “What happened?”

  She blew out a long breath and looked around at the strange faces passing her. Where should she start? “We fought a lot and never really healed after—” She stopped herself from saying more and pressed her fingertips to the glass. “The worst part was how she was never around to even try. Her work came first. Always. I hated seeing Caleb come in second, and I couldn’t handle being in third place. I didn’t even want to talk to her when she eventually came home.”

  “I’m so sorry, bud.” Wyatt placed his hand on Jax’s shoulder.

  Jax waved off his caring expression and the tears that traveled down her cheeks. “Enough about me and my soon-to-be ex-wife who may or may not live to sign the divorce papers.” Jax felt detached from reality as she laid her situation out in one sentence. “How’s Carly feeling?”

  Wyatt shifted, clearly skeptical of the sudden mood and subject change. “She’s ready to not be pregnant anymore, but we still have about five weeks to go.”

  “I’m really excited for you two.” Jax really was, but she could barely muster up a smile. “Speaking of kids, I should probably get mine that cookie I promised.” Jax started to get up, but Wyatt stopped her.

  “I hope we’re good parents.”

  Jax let out a small, sad laugh. The idea that Wyatt wouldn’t be a good father was ludicrous. “You will be.”

  “I see how you are with Caleb, how Gretchen was—is.” He cleared his throat. “I want to be that good.”

  Jax finally stood. She took Wyatt’s empty coffee cup and tossed it out along with her full cup. She patted his shoulder. “You got this.”

  They walked through the small café one last time to grab Caleb’s snack and started back toward Gretchen’s room. Just outside the door, Jax paused and looked at Wyatt.

  “Don’t put your kid down. Let them dream as big as they want and teach them everything you wish someone would’ve taught you as a kid. Remember those things, and you’ll be great.”

  “What are you teaching Caleb that you wish someone had taught you?”

  Jax looked at Caleb, who was flipping through a coloring book with Amanda and making her laugh. He was clearly being a goofball. She thought of the homes she was bounced between as a foster kid and the happiness she felt once someone finally believed she was worth keeping around. Jax turned to Wyatt and his big, curious eyes. “I’m teaching him to be himself.”

  Chapter Three

  8 days, 2 hours, 9 minutes

  The hospital room was full of Gatorade and apple juice, but not one bottle of water. Jax dropped the shopping bag on the nearest chair and huffed. Amanda was supposed to stop by to relieve her, but she was running behind. They’d agreed to switch on and off for mornings and evenings, managing some semblance of normalcy and routine. Not that watching Gretchen’s freakishly still eyelids would ever feel normal.

  “Good morning, Jax,” Dr. Melendez said too cheerfully as she entered the room. “I know a resident was in earlier to take vitals, but I wanted to check in on you to see if you have any questions or concerns.” She rubbed her hands together after dispensing a small bit of hand sanitizer into her palm.

  Jax was momentarily surprised into silence. She hadn’t seen Dr. Melendez more than three or four times since Gretchen’s accident over a week ago. “I don’t really have anything.” She tried to rack her brain for anything Amanda would ask. She was always better in these situations. She was known for her million-questions mind. “Nothing’s changed.”

  “That’s not entirely true. Gretchen is stable, which is good news. Her latest scans do show some healing, but it’s just not progressing as quickly as we’d like. We’ll continue to keep an eye on her vitals and her brain. We won’t keep her like this any longer than necessary.”

  “And then what?”

  “Then we stop the medication and wait for her to wake up.”

  “Do you think she will?” Jax said earnestly.

  Dr. Melendez had very kind dark eyes. They brimmed with sympathy as she looked at Jax. “I can’t say for sure, but we’re doing everything we can.”

  “What about us? What can we do?”

  Dr. Melendez smiled. “Just keep showing up. Talk to her, make sure your son does, too. Surround her with all the reasons why she needs to wake up. There’s no medical proof, but I believe human connection can be the biggest key to surviving. Some patients read to their loved ones, while others talk about their day like they were sitting at the dinner table. Find what works for you.”

  Jax nodded, not fully believing a conversation could save Gretchen’s life, but she didn’t want to be rude and blow off the advice. “Okay, I think we can do that. I can bring Caleb back after he gets out of preschool. Lord knows he always has plenty to say then.” She forced a smile Dr. Melendez quickly mirrored.

  “Very good. I’ll be back in tomorrow if there are no sudden changes.”

  Jax watched her leave and stood in the center of the quiet room. She checked the time and sat beside Gretchen’s bed. After a deep breath, she looked at Gretchen’s profile. She took in Gretchen’s long eyelashes and healing bruises. Jax checked the doorway quickly to make sure no one was watching her.

  “It’s Thursday,” she said. “Today was Caleb’s first day back to school. I wanted to keep him home another day, but he insisted. I’ve never met a kid who loves school as much as he does. He must get that from you.” Jax let out an airy laugh. Gretchen’s ventilator hissed back. “This is stupid. What good will this do? Hearing my voice is probably the last thing you want or need. You didn’t want to hear it when we were together—why would you want to hear it now?”

  “Sorry I’m late.”

  Jax jumped up at Amanda’s sudden intrusion. “You just missed Dr. Melendez.”

  “What did she say?” Amanda tossed her heavy down jacket on the foot of Gretchen’s bed, treating the room like her home. “Anything new?”

  “No,” Jax said, her tone heavy with disappointment. “She did recommend something crazy.”

  “What’s that?”

  “She said we should talk to her, to Gretchen, because hearing us could be the push she needs to pull through.” Jax analyzed the way Amanda looked at Gretchen with the softest, most hopeful gaze. “I know it sounds ridiculous—”

  “I talk to her every minute I’m alone with her.”

  “You do?”

  “You don’t?”

  Jax shook her head. “I just didn’t think of it.”

  Amanda rolled her eyes and went about setting up for the day. She always brought a knitted blanket, an e-reader, and her own tea bags. “I read to her when I run out of things to talk about. One time I even read the ingredients off a pack of crackers. I want her to know I’m here.”